The following are a sampling of REAL answers received on exams given by the California Department of Transportations driving school.
Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road? A: What for? He can't see my license plate.
Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time? A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying, "Guns don't kill people. I do."
Q: When driving through fog, what should you use? A: Your car.
Q: How can you reduce the possibility of having an accident? A: Be too shit-faced to find your keys.
Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving? A: I'd probably lose my buzz a lot faster.
Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully? A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.
Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed? A: Make eye contact and wave "hello" if he/she is cute.
Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light? A: The color.
Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic? A: Heavy psychedelics.
Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem? A: Carry loaded weapons.
Q: Why would it be difficult to be a police officer? A: It would be tough to be a dick head all day long.
Awesome job application
Q.- NAME: A.- Iam Applyin
Q.- DESIRED POSITION: A.- Reclining. Ha ha. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.
Q.- DESIRED SALARY: A.- $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
Q.- EDUCATION: A.- Yes.
Q.- LAST POSITION HELD: A.- Target for middle-management hostility.
Q.- SALARY: A.- Less than I'm worth.
Q.- MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: A.- My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
Q.- REASON FOR LEAVING: A.- It sucked.
Q.- HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: A.- Any.
Q.- PREFERRED HOURS: A.- 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
Q.- DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: A.- Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.
Q.- MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: A.- If I had one, would I be here?
Q.- DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: A.- Of what?
Q.- DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: A.- I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"
Q.- HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: A.- I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.
Q.- DO YOU SMOKE?: A.- Only when set on fire.
Q.- WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: A.- Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
Q.- WHO DO WE CONTACT IN CASE OF AN EMERGENCY?: A.- The nearest hospital comes to mind.
Q.- DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: A.- No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.
HOW TO HANDLE IRRITATING SEATMATES If you are sitting next to someone who irritates you on a plane, follow these instructions: Remove your laptop from its case. Start it up. Make sure the person who is annoying you can see the screen. Close your eyes and tilt your head up to the sky.
