SWM in dead-end job seeks dumpy neurotic for mutual psychological torture, tepid sex, and co-dependency. I enjoy drinking, smoking, pornography, and self-righteous indignation.
I can't stand movies, and the last album I bought was The Marshall Tucker Band's Greatest Hits. I have middling intelligence but try to appear smarter by affecting a world-weary air, memorizing useless facts, and chuckling at my own mean-spirited, agenda-driven jokes.
I'm 45, but look 50 and feel 60. You are a whiny, bitter shrew with a misplaced sense of entitlement and unrealistic expectations. In time you will become coolly hostile when I don't fulfill every unmet need you've ever had. Bonus points if you just finished screwing every guy in town and but now want to take it slow with me.
My perfect night would include getting hammered in a sleazy bar while you flirt with seedy old drunks, followed by an embarrassing screaming match. I would be open to an unsatisfying fling that leaves me filled with regret and dread but prefer a long-term, soul crushing descent into booze and pills. No friendships. I don't need any goddamn friends.
Age unimportant, but I will condescend to women under 30 and re hash mother issues with women over 40.
Serious replies only, please.
Awesome job application
Q.- NAME: A.- Iam Applyin
Q.- DESIRED POSITION: A.- Reclining. Ha ha. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.
Q.- DESIRED SALARY: A.- $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
Q.- LAST POSITION HELD: A.- Target for middle-management hostility.
Q.- SALARY: A.- Less than I'm worth.
Q.- MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: A.- My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
Q.- REASON FOR LEAVING: A.- It sucked.
Q.- HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: A.- Any.
Q.- PREFERRED HOURS: A.- 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
Q.- DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: A.- Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.
Q.- MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: A.- If I had one, would I be here?
Q.- DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: A.- Of what?
Q.- DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: A.- I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"
Q.- HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: A.- I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.
Q.- DO YOU SMOKE?: A.- Only when set on fire.
Q.- WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: A.- Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
Q.- WHO DO WE CONTACT IN CASE OF AN EMERGENCY?: A.- The nearest hospital comes to mind.
Q.- DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: A.- No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.
